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Dating Secrets: The Secret to Overcoming Shyness

By Melissa Balmer

Are you shy? If you are you're in good company. There are millions of shy people in this world, including beautiful and successful actresses like Kim Basinger and Halle Berry. While shyness in itself isn't fatal, it can be fatal to your love life though. Why is this? The reasons are twofold. For starters, it can make the opportunity for romance to blossom in your life nearly impossible. How can romance bloom if you won't allow seed to be planted, and then water it to keep it growing?

Each person's shyness is different. Yours could be quite mild or very serious. It's for you to decide where your shyness lays on the scale, and then decide what needs to be done to help you overcome it. If you've tackled your own shyness in areas like work, or in making girlfriends, then you can probably overcome your shyness on your own in meeting men in social situations—as long as you decide to make a concerted effort and find the right tools to assist you. If, however, your shyness has made everyday functions, like work, extremely difficult then perhaps it's time to look into getting professional health. I hereby give you permission that you're worth it!

While I love a great romance at the movies or in a book as much as the next gal, I find our obsession with the media in this country actually hinders our will to overcome shyness in social situations. Why? Because romances in books and film are filled with shy people being discovered and swept off their feet by some fantastic person despite their own lack of action. We watch and read and think "someday this will/should happen to me!" and then go on living our same old shy life, waiting, waiting, waiting—longing in our hearts for that cute man in marketing to notice us, that adorable guy at the dry cleaner to talk to us, that cute cousin of your best friend to ask us out.

But it doesn't happen, does it? Why? Because in real life we have to make the effort to be approachable. The sooner you accept this sister, the better your life, and your romantic prospects, will be. I have to agree with the famous erotica novelist and journal keeper Anais Nin who said "There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Now this doesn't mean that you now have to go out and learn to grab men by the collar and force them into conversations or dates with you, but it does mean that you, and only you, are responsible for sending out signals of approachability and interest. Our body language and facial expressions tell the world whether or not we're open to being approached by another human being. Licensed clinical Psychologist and "recovering shy person" Dr. Renee Gilbert has a free website (www.shakeyourshyness.com) with some great tips such as "Consider this…step by ever so small step, begin opening yourself up to other people. It could be with a smile, eye contact, or a simple hello."

A key thing to remember (something to make life easier) is that almost everyone is at least a little shy when meeting new people in social situations. If you're quiet and reserved in line at Starbucks the cute man behind you isn't going to imagine you're shy, he's going to think you're aloof or indifferent. Why? Because he's focused on his own shyness. In their very smart and down to earth book "Men Like Women Who Like Themselves" writers Steven Carter and Julia Sokol remind us that "You get nervous, and he does too….You have flaws, and he does too….You get hurt, and he does too…You want to be understood, and he does too…"

Okay, so men are people too, and they're often just as shy as you are. But just how do you go about making things easy for a man to communicate with you if communicating with men socially hasn't been your forte before? Just like Dr. Gilbert suggests you take it step, by ever so small step. Here are a few suggestions:

Allow yourself to practice in short easy steps.

That guy in marketing may be really hot, but maybe you should give yourself a smaller "getting over your shyness" challenge. Why not start at that local popular coffee/tea shop? Why not decide that you'll stop at least twice a week for your favorite latte or chai and be as open and friendly as you can manage with any men you come in contact with? You don't have to flirt; you just have to practice a warm, inviting demeanor.

If things don't go as you'd wished one day, you have another day to try again with a clean slate.

Put Yourself In A Playful Mood For Going Out In Public.

Well known sexuality and relationship educator Sari Locker shares some fantastic ideas to create self esteem for yourself in "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Being Sexy". Sari suggests "If you want to appear confident, put yourself in a playful mood…If you are bouncing down the street, smiling, and observing people around you, you will come across as happy and spontaneous."

Not sure how to create that happy, light mood? Sari suggests that you think about a place that makes you feel totally comfortable and happy. Perhaps it's a park, or in your car listening to your favorite CD, any place really where you feel completely at home and it's easy to be yourself.

Fake It Til You Make It.

Keep expanding on that happy light mood and sharing it with strangers. Smile at little old ladies, children, and police offers. See if you can hold this mood for longer and longer periods of time, through the work day, errands, grocery shopping, walking your dog.

In a recent episode of the WB's popular T.V. show "Everwood" guest actor James Earl Jones (yes, the voice of Darth Vader) tells Gregory Smith's character (Ephram) that he needs to play the piano like "You Think Your Life Is Actually Worth Living". Your life is worth living, but if you can't muster real enthusiasm for it while out in public fake it til you make it. Practice does make perfect.

Never Leave Home Without Conversation Topics.

This great idea is also from Dr. Renee Gilbert. She advises that "Good conversationalists never leave home without something to say to the people they think they'll be seeing that day." Of course you don't know the men you might meet out and about, you know nothing of their interests, but you can prepare a few general topics—a favorite movie, a news item, even the weather. This may seem a ridiculous way of going about conversations, to practice them in advance—but consider this, the best public speakers don't speak off the tops of their heads, they practice them until they have them down by wrote. The more something is memorized, like a speech, or lines for a play, or even a musicians routine with his/her rock band, the more relaxed and natural it comes across to the audience. Why? Because they own the information, play, music. They know it backwards and forwards. No matter how nervous they get, they know their material.

No, shyness isn't fatal, but it can be fatal to romance. Why not start learning a few new techniques to give yourself a chance to let romance spark, bloom, and grow.

Copyright © 2005, Seduction Insider. Seduction tips for men and women.

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