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Avoiding Online Dating Scams

by Julie-Ann Amos

Every year the online dating industry, nationwide, brings in more than $450 million, making it the Internet’s largest online paid content category. With so much money changing hands, potential scam artists are looking to cash in on the action. It’s important to be aware that scam artists are out there without hitting the panic button on what is generally regarded as a safe way to find the love of your life – online dating.

Here are some of the most popular online dating scams (of varying degrees):

Time-wasters
Perhaps the biggest scam of all isn’t people extorting money, or Russian brides, it’s timewasting. The Internet is, unfortunately, full of time-wasters. These are people who will spend hours, days, even weeks or months talking to you, then disappear without a trace the day before you’re scheduled to meet. You just wasted all that time for nothing.

The first time it can leave you hurt and bewildered. After a while, many online daters seem to get used to it. So what happens? Well, a lot of the time the other person is living a fantasy and never intends to meet. It may be a joke, they’re just seeing “how far they’ll get.” This used to be the type of thing teenagers might do, but sadly all ages seem to produce people who just want to tinker with other people’s emotions without risk. Or they may be married or in an existing relationship - enjoying an escapist fantasy but having no intention to really do anything about it. They may get their kicks from trying to pass themselves off as the opposite sex and have fantasy relationships for amusement – and so you can’t ever meet the beautiful Jane because she’s actually a bearded mechanic named Dave!

Russian or other “bride scams”
Online dating sites which offer beautiful women (and increasingly men) from other countries with burning ambitions to marry and immigrate really do exist. And there are actually some reputable ones. But do your research very carefully and start this initiative at your own risk. More common are overseas people of both sexes who need “help” in order to “stay in contact” – which usually means money for phone and internet bills, for letters, for visits etc. The extreme scams (money for operations, for unexpected and sudden disasters etc.) usually only start once they have you “hooked”. Never ever send money to someone you have not yet met, no matter how tempting they may appear – remember they may be bearded Dave, not beautiful Svetlana! If it’s the only way you can meet, call their bluff and go visit them! It’s as simple as that.

Email address collectors
Often, you get an exciting new approach from a prospect, which looks good, and asks for your email address. But when you give it, you never hear back from them but suddenly get a mountain of spam emails! This is why you should set up a second account for dating emails. Often, people don’t even put two and two together and realize how it happened. But email collectors are out there, and they can be so easily avoided by only using a free web email account such as hotmail etc until you know the person well enough to share your real email address. Generally, an “email collector” will set up an attractive fake profile (with a nice picture) then send you a note and ask you to contact them via email to continue communication. Once you send them an email, they instantly have your address that they sell to other dating services. Beware of messages you receive which aren’t personalized and ask you to email them at an email address versus through the online dating service you are using.

Married but looking (and lying!)
Most online daters will encounter someone who is married or “already taken” at some stage – whether or not you realize it at the time. Sadly, often the first sign is that they fail to show up for that first date and you never hear from them again. Worse yet, sometimes they will show up for the date!

So what are the signs that might point to someone being already in a relationship and not telling you about it?

• No picture, an unclear picture, or one where they are one of a crowd of people. Or, they will email you a picture but don’t have one on display.
• They generally initiate contact first.
• They ask more questions than they give answers.
• They want your phone number but won’t give theirs, or will only give a cell/mobile phone number. Most people who are really interested in you want to give you their numbers because they hope you’ll want to call them.
• They email, telephone or message you at set times and you can’t get hold of them at others. They always call or text or message you, and you can’t initiate contact with them.
• They cancel dates or pre-arranged contacts, calls etc with very little notice.
• They’re secretive about exactly where they live.
• They avoid talking about their home or their family.

Dishonest People
Some dishonest people are well-meaning and genuine in their intentions to find someone. Others are just plain deceitful. Here are some of the fakes you might not have encountered:

• Profiles which omit critical details, such as children, being still married etc.
• Profiles created by well-meaning friends or relatives. Sit-coms where a mother places an ad for her daughter, or a group of friends for a recently-dumped guy are funny, in real life they’re not.
• They have become a serial dater – they live an active social life online dating, but no longer really want to stay with someone beyond the second or third date. This is fine if it fits your own ideas of success, but most people are looking for more.

How to spot scammers

1. Check that agencies/sites are reputable before joining. Avoid free agencies – they may be free but because of this, and the limited sanctions that the agency or site can impose, they attract proportionally more fraudsters, fakes and scammers.

2. “Form letters”, photocopied letters, or replies which don’t actually reply to your own message, (i.e. anything which seems to be a standard cut and paste message not an actual reply to your specific message) should ring alarm bells. Why didn’t they answer your question, or acknowledge something important you said?

3. Beware of professional photos. It’s sad but true that they can often be fake, or scanned in from magazines. We’d all like to date a model but really, how likely is one to be looking online for a date?

4. They misspell or don’t remember your name regularly. This hints at large volumes of people being processed.

5. They declare love for you too quickly. We all want to believe in romance and true love, but someone able to make that kind of decision based on a tiny bit of knowledge about you isn’t going to be a sustainable relationship. And it could well be a scam building.

6. Messages either repeat themselves, or contain duplicate information. This hints of cutting and pasting going on.

7. This shouldn’t need saying but… they ask for money! Or hint that if they had money they could visit, write more, etc.

How to protect yourself

Keep records - Make sure you keep emails. Retain messages on dating sites where possible. Learn how to keep message logs of messages and conversations on msn messenger, yahoo chat etc.

Keep your privacy – use a separate email account from your “real” personal one. Use only a telephone number which has caller display if possible. If you have any doubt, only use a payphone. Hide/withold your number if you call them.

Never rush or let yourself be rushed. Don’t progress to email until ready. Don’t switch to talking by phone until you’re happy. And never meet until you’re sure about it and know enough about them.

Don’t worry about being demanding – ask for a picture, in fact, ask for whatever you want. If they ask for your phone number, ask for theirs first. It may seem awkward, but it’s sensible and at least shows that you know what you’re doing and won’t be an easy target.

Initiate contact first. Usually, scammers will contact you – they’re fishing for victims. Take control of your online dating by doing the approaching, and you’ll avoid many of them.

What to do if you have been scammed

• Contact the agency or site where you met the scammer and give the service the offenders username along with a description of the problem.
• Report the scam to their e-mail service provider. You will need to send proof, including the full headers of the e-mail messages you received where the scam is clear. Send complaints to the address “abuse” at their service provider, e.g. abuse@hotmail.com, abuse@yahoo.com etc. and also CC a copy to “postmaster” e.g. postmaster@hotmail.com

It’s true that people are being scammed via online dating. However, because it is a small minority, it is generally a good idea to give people the benefit of the doubt while noting any red flags that are raised in your dealings with them. When you feel there is something not right going on (trust your instincts), break off your contact. If you know you’ve been scammed, report the scammer to the service you are using while blocking their ability to contact you in the future.

Above all, avoid paranoia. You don’t want to come across to the perfect partner as being a hostile and distrustful person – not being trusted is a huge turn-off for most people, and can ruin your chances with someone genuine if you’re too forceful about it. Online dating is a great way to meet your perfect partner. Exercise some caution, have fun, and enjoy the journey.

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