After reading your contributions elsewhere on the Internet, writing you seemed
to be the only sensible thing to do. You see just as so many before me, I too am
in love with a married woman.
Going strong for the past six months, our torrid affair is seemingly blissful
with no end in sight, wherein lies my quandary. What effect(s) might our affair
have on our future together?
We've known each other for five years through mutual friends, but recently
became reacquainted six months ago. Both of us are in our twenties; she three
years my senior. I'm a junior in college, while she's in her last year. Neither
of us have any children, although we'd both like to have many. We live in
different cities down south with an eight hour drive between us.
Since we began seeing each other romantically we spend one or two weekends each
month together; usually where we grew up, where our families, her best friend,
and great memories reside, although we occasionally go on trips out of town.
We're madly in love and spend every hour thinking of each other. We talk on the
phone until our ears fall off and write each other via snail mail.
Why aren't we together you ask? She tells me it's difficult for her to rock the
boat so severely. She's probably grown accustomed to her lifestyle. The holidays
are upon us. I just don't know. Without ever giving me any phony dates by which
she might be divorced, she's at least remained consistent; consistently unable
to commit. Should I give her an ultimatum with some type of projected date for
her to at the very least retain an attorney?
I'm looking for any help I can get in this matter.
=====================================================
Hello!
Here's the bottom line: she's using you for the sex, emotional support and
ego-boost she's not getting at home. It's that simple. Further, she doesn't have
enough class to do the right thing by her husband and his family and instead
simply lies to them without regards. How does that sound?
Consider that this is almost a pathological problem! If she were to ever divorce
her husband to be with you, (and frankly, why should she do that? She's only
interested in you for what you're giving her), she'd still be the same liar she
is now. The only difference is that she'd be lying to you instead of her
husband. Simply telling one truth (about not promising you a divorce date)
doesn't make her "truthful". She's discovered that you'll accept things as they
are.
You have other problems with this relationship including the fact that you both
are so far away. Distance is always a relationship killer. Her lying is going to
come back to bite you as well. Believe me, her husband isn't the only one that
is being lied to here. I can assure you that she's lying to you too about
something. When it gets this bad, it's not really about lying verses the truth;
it's only about the lies.
What about her relationship with her husband? What exactly does she get from it?
Is he wealthy and she gets the benefit of his money? Is he powerful and she gets
status? You see, love would compel her to move away from all of this, and that
is the last problem I'm going to bring to light for you - she doesn't love you.
If she did, she'd be rushing headlong to a divorce attorney so that she could
have you entirely. Right now, she doesn't need to because she's not in love with
you.
So, you question: "Have I seen other relationships like this one that worked?"
The answer lies in your goals. If it's only for the sex and weekend
companionship, then, yes - they work. However, you seem to want more, and that's
where you're going to fail with this one. Trust me.
Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all
email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more
information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II),
and other products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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