I am dating this guy, and have been for several months. When we first got
together he always hinted at marriage. The confusing thing now is he wants to
wait and for me to give him space. Sometimes I think it's to get his act
together, other times I'm not so sure. He tells me that he love me all the time.
I even gave him the decision to end the relationship if he didn't want it. Out
relationship is so weird. I enjoy being around him, and I think he feels the
same way. I'm really confused by his actions and somewhat hurt. One minute he
feels one way and the next it seems like he doesn't know what he wants. He's
twenty-eight years old, if that has anything to do with it.
Please help, thank you.
Hello!
Obviously, I can't read his mind, but let me tell you a little about men and
marriage.
Men and women view marriage very differently. To you, marriage means future,
security, family, status, love, closeness and many other good things. To men,
marriage means loss of freedom, responsibility, loss of choice, expense, stress,
etc. When you look at it like that, it doesn't seem so appealing, does it?
Of course, men DO get married every day, but women constantly complain that it's
difficult to get men to commit. Now you know why that's true. So the question
becomes, "considering the negative view that most men have about marriage and
commitment, how do you get your man to commit?"
Here's the answer: you first need to find out exactly what it is that he's
looking for in his life and relationships. This isn't what YOU think his answer
would be, but what the real answer is! You do this by asking him. Now comes the
second part of the discussion.
As you no doubt know, most men have difficulty talking about complicated
emotions. It's not that we don't feel them, we just don't express them the same
way you do. Thus, if you say to him, "What do you want?" he's not going to give
you a very clear answer! It's not that he's being evasive; it's just that he's
probably not able to answer it. Men's and women's communications systems differ
greatly! So, what you want to do is to break it down into simpler questions.
The best way to do this is to use "yes/no" types of questions. You can ask him
things like, "Are there areas of our relationship that you would like to see
improve?" or "Do I give you enough room to work on your career?", etc.
Keep in mind that he's going to be somewhat suspicious that you're leading him
somewhere with these questions! Thus, don't come back from the "improve our
relationship" question with another too-broad question like, "How?" That's just
too difficult for him to answer. If you want to know, you need to be more
specific. For example, ask him things like, "What about our sex life? Are there
things about it that you'd want to change or improve?" If he says "yes", then
probe deeper. Again, don't ask him "what?", ask, "Is it the frequency?" or "Are
there new things you want to try?", etc. (more "yes/no" question).
If you take some time over the next few weeks and months, you'll be surprised
what you can learn about him! All of this leads up to the final "step" to get
him to commit:
Simply be the woman for whom he chooses to trade his freedom, responsibility,
loss of choice, increased stress, etc.
Best regards...
----------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about
my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products
visit: www.beingaman.com
Copyright (c) 2004, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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