Dr. Neder, I've been an idiot for a long time. Raised by an singlemother from three to ten
I was told all sorts of backward ideas on how to be a man in a relationship. You
know the ones: be sensitive, put her on a pedestal, and on and on. This;
combined with being a bookworm and extremely shy made it hard to gain
confidence.
Five years ago I met this girl, and somehow wound up in a relationship with her.
Almost instantly I told her I loved her and we got into a sexual relationship
(stupidly without protection) and I eventually became too needy and wimpy. Her
interest in me began to die fast and she wanted to see other people, but didn't
have anyone in mind other than me. A week later I gave her a choice:
relationship or not, and she decided to break up with me.
A number of months when by with no contact from her, then, I get the "you might
want to sit down" call. Our daughter was born three days earlier! She decided to
keep her, and she has brought me great joy.
So, we were back together again. I went back to my normal wimpy routine after
about a month or so. I eventually asked her to marry me and she accepted even
though her interest in me was pretty low at the time. After that, things went
quite a bit differently. I started to feel unsatisfied in the relationship, I
felt like I was doing all the work in the relationship and sex was just to
please her. Although thinking about it now when I started to feel that way and
become more of a challenge she started to live more.
I made the biggest mistake of my life around this time, and I know why but no
excuse. I cheated on her - it stopped at a kiss. I told her about it a week
later. To this day I am very angry that I was not able to control myself. My
fiancé kept me around after that anyway. Of course, a few months later she was
going out to clubs every other night, needing her 'space' because the baby was a
bit much for her. Along comes her friend's brother and all of a sudden she
doesn't come home one night. Things went quickly down hill from there.
I finally ended the relationship on Christmas day because she was playing games
with me and I was tired of it. She got into a serious relationship that seemed
to start five minutes after I left the house (friend of the family we met that
day).
Ever since then she has cheated on her boyfriend roughly nine or ten times, with
me! We talked about getting back together until I found out she was sleeping
with my best friend. I didn't get mad or anything just brushed it off and went
on my merry way.
I just came across your pages of enlightenment and started to 'practice' on my
ex. Becoming a challenge and other advice you've given has all came into play.
I don't really know if I want to be with this girl or not. I just feel confused.
How do I end this and get past these games we keep playing? I want to be a good
parent!
Thanks,
Hello!
It is for the very reasons you've mentioned that I constantly complain about
single mothers! Men need a male role model in their lives to have any chance in
this world. With so many celebrities coming out about being single, gay, and
adopting kids - I think it's tragic. What a terrible message to send! I'm
surprised that more men don't sit down to pee!
My brother, if there is a mistake to be made - you made it! I don't think you
missed ANY of them! You're an adult, and responsible for your own actions (and
corrections!), but I put the blame first on your mother's teachings. She gave
you a "politically correct" and feminized view of the world, and you used it to
get into all kinds of trouble. Forget everything she's told you. In fact, if you
do just the opposite, you'll probably be a player in no time!
Your ex is a user and abuser. Of course, you and she were "perfect" together
because you played right into her abuse! No wonder she wanted to keep getting
back together with you. Every time she needed an emotional lift, there you were
to kick around again and again.
Here's some advice:
1) DUMP THAT BITCH!
This "woman" is no lady. You have nowhere to go but up from her. Unfortunately,
you can't completely avoid her because of your child. Just get it through you
head that you're going to be paying child support for the next 18 years. There's
no other choice. Thank God you didn't marry her!
2) By pushing her away, you piqued her interest
Seems like it should be just the opposite doesn't it? Well, my brother - that's
just how women think. When you were all emotional and clingy, she didn't want
anything to do with you. When you were emotionally distant, she couldn't get
enough. This is an important lesson - don't forget it.
3) Get your education "corrected"
Your mother tried to give you some relationship help. Unfortunately, she gave
you the advice she thought that women today wanted. She didn't exactly raise you
like a girl. If she'd done that she would have taught you all about manipulation
(that isn't necessarily a bad thing - it's one of the tools in a woman's "war
chest") and other feminine methods. Instead, she taught you to buy into all the
manipulation!
I strongly suggest that you pick up a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World".
This may be your very first dose of real "male philosophy". You're going to need
a much better understanding of relationships if you're going to survive. More
important - why just survive, when you can thrive!
4) How to end this subconsciously
You will end it by not giving her any more power. Up until now, you've given her
every piece of control, save some small doses. Interestingly, as soon as you
took some back, she responded. This isn't just about your ex - every woman will
react this way.
Women want men that are in control - not the soft, gushy, emotional guys you
keep hearing about on Oprah or from your mother. How do I know this? Because,
they tell me this all the time! I've done hundreds of interviews all over the
world on radio and in print, and I keep telling the guests, callers and hosts
this story. Guess what? They keep telling me I'm right!
I did an interview on a large syndicated show a few nights ago. The host kept
asking for women that disagreed to call in. NOT ONE DID! In fact, every single
caller - male and female - called to agree with these points!
As well, I've gotten thousands of letters from readers - 1/2 of which are from
women. They keep saying the same things too. Women want men that are in control,
have a direction, and are willing to make their lives - and their relationships
conform to that direction.
Thus, you will GAIN power by TAKING power. As well, you will END this abusive
cycle by ENDING your old beliefs and starting new, healthier ones.
As well, by removing your focus from this one women and starting to focus on
many other women, you instantly play-down her importance. She's going to have to
work for your attention - just like she wants to. You see, here's a little
secret that's critically important: women don't want to be chased - they want to
DO the chasing. And, they want to chase someone that thinks of himself as
valuable, worthwhile, and as a catch.
All you have to do is to be that guy.
Good luck, much love...
-------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can
write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. For more
information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com
Copyright (c) 2002, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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