Dear Dr.: I am writing to you because I'm in desperate need of some advice. I always feel very tense and shy when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. My mind
goes blank, I get nervous, and feel very self-conscious. To make a long story
short, I'm not as successful with women as I feel I could be.
There are three main problems that I need help with:
1) I always feel extremely tense when in the presence of attractive women.
Whenever I want to approach a woman, I chicken-out due to nerves. How can I
overcome this?
2) What should I say? Should I start a friendly conversation, or tell her
straight away that I'm attracted to her?
3) When is it okay to "move in for the kill", e.g. attempt to kiss her, caress
her hair, or ask her to "come back to my place"?
I have read several of your letters, and have complete faith that you'll be able
to help with my problem.
Hello!
Believe me, you are NOT alone in all of this! Almost every man (98%) feels
exactly the way you do. After all, nobody wants to get shot down when they
approach a woman, or worse yet, get some kind of "as if!" response. So, don't
feel like you're alone in all of this.
Now, here's the upside: women don't want to be alone the rest of their lives any
more than you do! Thus, they're just as interested (or even more so) in meeting
someone as you are.
So, let's look at how to go about handling these problems. First, I strongly
recommend that you pick up a copy of my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World"
as it goes into all of this in much greater depth than I can in a single email.
So, to wit:
As you're already aware, being nervous when you approach a woman is absolutely
contrary to your goals. You want to come of with smooth, calm confidence. Being
a nervous, stammering idiot is not going to get you a phone number.
Almost every guy makes this mistake when he is first starting out: he finds a
particular girl and focuses all of his energies on her, hoping to do everything
just right. Of course, he doesn't have any practice and therefore just makes
mistakes. She, sensing his lack of experience, usually turns him down. My father
had a great saying: "Only PERFECT practice makes perfect." What he meant by this
is that you have to have a bunch of little successes before you can play at a
master's level – you build on your successes.
To do this you need to practice. But, don't practice by going out and getting
shot down. If you do this, you’re just practicing to fail! Do it by practicing
in your mind first! This is called "guided visualization". Here's how: every
day, find some quiet time in a comfortable room without any distractions. Turn
off the TV, the phone, etc., and sit down in a comfortable chair - but don't lie
down - it's too relaxing and you'll fall asleep. Sit in a way where you don't
have to use any muscles to stay upright. Also, don't cross your arms or legs.
Now, take a few slow, deep breaths. After 4-5 of them, close your eyes. You
first need to relax your body so that your mind can focus on the task at hand.
You do this by going through ever part of your body and imagining it as totally
and completely relaxed.
Start with your feet and move up your ankles to your calves, your thighs, your
hips, your stomach, your lower back, your upper back, your chest, your
shoulders, down your arms to your forearms to your wrists your hands and your
fingers. Next, move back up to your hands, your forearms, your upper arms, your
shoulders, up into your neck, to the back of your head, over the sides of your
head, your ears, your face, your eyes and your mouth.
This relaxation process will take a few minutes - don't cheat! It's a critical
step in all of this - after all, you want to be relaxed when you approach women
right? This is the time to start programming your mind to do this.
Once you've got your body completely relaxed, imagine yourself, walking through
somewhere you've been. Don't imagine yourself from the outside as though you're
watching yourself in a movie - actually look out of your own eyes. Try to
imagine as much detail as you can, including the sights, sounds, even the
smells.
Imagine that you're totally relaxed and confident. You might want to use an
example image for this like James Bond or John Wayne. Next, imagine walking up
to a beautiful women and saying hello. Just have a short, non-specific
conversation with her in your mind. You might talk about anything - the place
you're at, the band if there is one, etc. Imagine her reacting very positively
to you; laughing at your jokes, leaning toward you, looking you right in the
eye, etc. The more vivid you can make this imagination the better. And, with
practice, it will get more and more real.
Then, after a few minutes of this, just say, "It's been nice talking to you. Let
me have your home phone number and I'll contact to get together for a drink some
time." Then, imagine her enthusiastically reaching into her purse, pulling out a
business card, writing her home number on it and giving it to you.
If you practice this every day, at least 15-20 minutes you'll find that your
mind begins to accept the message. This is because of a fact that was discovered
about 100 years ago: the mind can't differentiate between what is real, and what
is imagined with complete belief! It won't make you 100% at ease when
approaching women - that only comes with practice. But, it WILL help reduce your
anxiety substantially (perhaps as much as 50-75%). That is very significant and
will really help you get into the game.
Regarding when to make the first move, check out this article on that very
subject:
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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can
write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. For more
information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2002, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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