Hi, Four years ago I met a man in the strangest way possible – while driving home
from vacation! He pulled up next to me and just looked at me! He handed me a CD
through the window. It was a local boy-band, and when I looked at the picture –
he was one of the band members! I finally turned off and he continued driving
ahead.
On the CD cover was an address, so I took a chance and wrote to him. Shortly
after this, I got a call from him and we talked for a long time. He wanted to
meet, and I agreed. He came by to pick me up a couple of days later and, because
he didn’t want to be interrupted by fans, we drove 50 miles to a restaurant way
out of town.
Since I was in town only for a while, I continued to write when I went home. He
never wrote back, so one day I got angry and wrote him a nasty 10-page letter. I
didn’t hear from him for a year, and then one day he called! I was in shock! He
asked me when I was returning to his city, and I was actually planning to be
there in 3 days. When I arrived, we began seeing each other, but never alone –
it was always with the other members of his group, friends, fans, etc. I tried
to get him to go out by ourselves, but he kept saying that he just didn’t have
the time.
During this, I discovered his email password and began reading his email – even
after I got back home. He kept getting mail from girls that went to his concerts
that had only one thing on their minds – sex. He stopped returning my emails and
I lost touch with him for another year. After awhile, he dropped out of the
music business and began working in Foreign Relations. At the same time, he a
number of dating sights (I knew because of his email!) I signed up for the same
services, and began talking to him.
After awhile of talking to him anonymously, I told him who I was. He asked me if
I was married yet, and I told him the truth – no. Before my confession, he was
writing to me everyday, after this, he stopped writing again, except very
infrequently. In one of his messages, he told me that I knew him better than
anyone else – like I was his sister!
Being his sister is not really what I had in mind, but after all these years of
back and forth, I’d really like to be with him and try to build something. I
told him about reading his email and that I knew all that he had done, and he
didn’t even get mad!
We continue to correspond, but he’s told me some things I didn’t know before
like that he is divorced. I’ve asked him if we can get together, but he doesn’t
respond to any of this. On the other hand, he has told me a great deal about his
personal life and seemed to open up to me. Do you think I have a chance with
him? Either way, I just want him to know that I care for him and don’t want
anything bad for him at all.
Hello!
Let me try to answer what I understand your questions to be:
Does he care about you?
When a man cares about a woman, he tries to use as much of his creativity as
possible to show it. Of course this includes spending time with her, sending her
notes, email, etc., to let her know that he is thinking of her, calling, etc.
Frankly, I don't see much of this from your description. He may care about you,
but I doubt that he loves you.
Regarding what you can do to show him your intention is not to hurt, and that
you care:
You could continue to do what you are already doing, but frankly, why? Are you
hoping for a future relationship with him? It doesn't sound like that's his goal
to me. I seems that you'd be much better off just moving on.
I believe the bottom line is whether you want this kind of up/down relationship
with someone that isn’t really committed to you. Are you willing to invest your
emotional well being in something as unorganized and uninvolved as all this? I
don't recommend it. You could spend years of your life only to wind up with no
more than you have right now.
I think you have another issue here too – trust. Why did you start reading his
personal email in the first place? That is wrong, wrong, wrong! You don’t have
the right to go through his personal things – even his email – anymore than he
does. You might see it as innocent – just trying to find out what he’s thinking,
but it is an invasion of privacy.
Good luck, much love...
------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can
write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2002, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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